A little humor for a saturday

What if Professional Athletes were Professional Gamblers Instead?

By ERROL KRUPIARZ

If you’re like me, sometimes you’ll wonder how certain professional athletes would earn their livings if it wasn’t for sports. I asked Blake Griffin and he told me he’d be a strength trainer. I suppose I’d hire Blake to bulk me up and all, but what if certain athletes tried their hand as a professional sports gambler?

We don’t have to look that hard for real-life examples. Pete Rose is banned from the Hall of Fame for betting on his own team while still managing it. Charles Barkley admitted his gambling problem has cost him over $10 million over his lifetime after the Wynn in Vegas came after him for $400,000 in unpaid casino markers. Floyd Mayweather Jr. routinely tweets out pictures of his winning six-figure betting slips (all of his losing tickets, however appear to be extremely camera shy). And I’ve personally seen Allen Iverson lose a cool quarter of a million dollars in two hours playing three-card poker in Atlantic City.

Here are my guesses at what some other superstars would be like if they tried to make their living by betting on sports.

LeBron James: You can count on LBJ to cash in for most of the year and he’ll do it in style. This guy makes the most challenging wagers seem like a walk in the park. Eight-team parlays, a 300-1 NHL hat-trick prop—you name it, he's won it. LeBron been voted “best sports capper in the country” three out of the last four years. But take my advice: don't try calling him for a big game in the clutch. I can’t stress this enough. LeBron probably won't be around to answer the phone, and if he does take your call, he’ll either give you a loser or tell you to ask someone else. Using his regular season picks will earn you a brand new 2013 Chevy Camaro ZL1 and an entertainment system for your family room. Using his postseason and ‘big money’ selections will result in both your house and car being repossessed by the bank. Are you feeling lucky, punk?

Jeremy Lin: You met Jeremy at a blackjack table inside the MGM Grand in Vegas. He was counting cards and placing $1,000 bets while simultaneously talking to you about tomorrow’s baseball lines and reciting works of Shakespeare word for word, all without missing a beat. Anyway, the two of you become friends and he agrees to send you all of his picks over the next three weeks. Sure enough, dude is on fire! Everything Jeremy gives you is gold. You tell all your friends and he becomes a sensation almost every night. Everyone wants to know Jeremy’s selections for the day! Of course inevitably his success starts to tail off, and eventually you stop hearing from him altogether. You might run into Jeremy again at the tables one day, you might hear about him being found dead in a ditch somewhere in the vast Nevada desert. No one really knows how Jeremy’s gambling career will end. Either way, the success was fun while it lasted, as brief as it may have been.

Tim Tebow: This guy will really frustrate you, but be patient with him. Yep, Tim will empty out almost your entire account throughout the week and then make a huge comeback on Sunday to bring you back into the black. Of course he won’t actually place any bets on his own since gambling is immoral and no goody two-shoes like him would ever be caught partaking in such activities. Still, that’s not of much concern to you. At the end of the day, Tim’s a winner. Maybe it’s all the praying he does before the games. Who knows? In any case, you’re excited to tag along for the financial ride and he’s excited to have a friend. Any friend. But don’t invite him out to get drunk and chase around girls with your winnings—he’s just not that much fun to hang around with. Despite the modest boost to your bank account, you’ll eventually end up ditching Timmy because he’s too damn boring. No worries—you could always replace him with the next guy on this list.

Peyton Manning: One thing’s for sure—I’d really hate to be his bookie. I mean, could you imagine? Peyton spends all morning in his room analyzing statistics and matchups, then demands that you drive over to his house and spend hours watching film of yesterday’s games to discover subtle details about certain teams and players that even Vegas linemakers are likely to miss. Then Peyton continues to scan over thousands of pages of data before calling in his wagers for the evening. Solid approach, no doubt, but right before the games start for the evening, Peyton goes into a frenzy. He starts to flip through all of his documents and waves his hands all over, screaming out all sorts of words and numbers that no one but him seems to understand. Then he’ll call his bookie back minutes before the 7:05 EST MLB games to change almost all of his picks. Talk about a pain in the ass! Well, until payday rolls around, that is. Turns out there’s a method to his madness; he’ll consistently churn out a profit year after year. Stay close to Peyton and put up with all his eccentricities. Trust me, it’s worth it in the end.

Jose Canseco: Jose was basically raised at Meadowlands Racetrack in New Jersey. At 11 years old, he’d amaze his uncles by calling out winning trifectas inbetween breaks from hustling college kids at PacMan in the lower-level arcade. Every single casino in Atlantic City banned him at the age of 22 for pocketing thousands of dollars in blackjack night in and night out. Not one to be easily deterred, however, Jose continued to terrorize the tables for years using his twin brother’s ID. History was made when Jose became the first gambler ever to win $40 million in 40 weeks at the Taj Mahal.

But as the saying goes, all good things must come to an end. Jose and his brother had a falling out which brought Jose’s blackjack career to a screeching halt. Then he got tangled up with crooked jockeys back at the Meadowlands and became part of a college basketball point-shaving scandal at Rutgers. When investigators uncovered the whole mess, Jose turned rat and squealed on everyone. He avoided serious jail time but ended up paying a bigger price—no one wanted him around. He went from icon to outcast quicker than you can say “Yes, detective, I’ll tell you everything.”

Nowadays you’ll find Jose running dice games in the streets of Brooklyn and trying to bribe security guards at Yonkers Raceway to let him in through the gate. It’s not a pretty sight, but it’s his way of holding on to the game that he still loves. Unfortunately for Jose, it’s a game that doesn’t want him anymore, that doesn’t need him anymore. Well past his prime, Jose still says he could put the entire AC strip out of business if he had the chance. But no one believes him. Even worse, no one cares.